Other moments

 

I.

When you kissed me in the elevator to make me forget that I’m afraid of them

*

On the 16th of October, after chilling on the roof for hours, when you wanted to chase the sunset in your car before driving me home

*

When I hugged you the first time, and when I’d only speak “Goodbye” to you after that, the look in your eyes, and that confusingly yet intensely sad expression on your face

*

In the park that night, October 30th when I asked you what you were thinking, and you said that you wondered how french girls kiss

*

Before that, chilling on the storing box behind the baseball field, then you suggesting getting a blanket from your car, then laying and wrapping ourselves in it, then you saying your hands were cold, then me holding them, then us inching closer to each other in increments, until my head rested on your shoulder, your arm around me, asking you to tell me if my head got too heavy and your arm fell asleep, you scoffing and saying not at all, as if that was a ridiculous concept, me wrapping us in tighter every time you said it was getting cold, me telling you I was very warm right where I was

*

Twitter post I posted, saying I was hoping something would happen that night

*

Picturing myself at a party, making eye contact with you every so often, getting frustrated, knowing you would probably never kiss me, picturing myself making out with a random guy or girl to help pass the time, knowing I would never meet someone I would end up dating over there, knowing I only wanted to date you

*

That song I had stuck in my head the entire time laying on the blanket (bodyache by Purity Ring)

*

Before I’d talked to you, when it was still summer, listening to Mercy by BOOTS, reading Le Lac d’Alphonse de Lamartine

*

Talking to Côme on the phone, outside by the Sewell Hall, hoping to catch your attention, seeing you trip as you went back inside (you didn’t look my way)

*

On the rooftop, reading to you “Puisque J’ai Mis Ma Lèvre” by Victor Hugo on your phone, wondering if you looked up the poem later, if you searched for a translation to be able to know what I’d read to you

*

The early days, even after the rooftop day, when I thought the highest we would get would have been that day, that I hadn’t appreciated it as much as I should have, in retrospect

*

When you walked to get that board to help me get up onto the rooftop, watching you later, carrying it on your shoulder to put it back. Falling all over again

*

You, with your hair shaved shorter on both sides, just right; the way you walk; your thin shoulders and how comfortable and strong you seemed; that look in your eyes like you knew a secret, like you had a story to tell, like you’d lived, you were a character before I’d even talked to you

*

I knew we would destroy each other, I should have expected what the ending would be

*

How I planned over and over again what I would say to you, so that I can still remember almost all of it:

“Can I talk to you? I swear, it’ll only take a minute. I know this is really weird but I just needed to talk to you and I knew that if I didn’t do it now then I never would and it just got to the point where I was thinking “Coralie, you have got to do this, even if it’s just to prove to yourself that you can” and I know it’s weird and if you don’t want to see me again I’ll just… I’ll just  hide in the library or something so you won’t have to see me when you go by. It’s just that you seem like a good friend, you seem interesting, like you’ve got a story to tell. I know this is weird and if you don’t want to talk to me that’s fine”.

How when I said I was weird, he said

“You’re not weird”

And I said, “You’re not? I’m not?”

Stammering, looking at the displays behind, looking away, I didn’t look at him much that day.

October 12th, how nervous I was

October 5th when I’d planned to talk to him, shaking, heart pounding fit to burst.

How I felt self-conscious as I walked back to my seat, then texted Ju animatedly and excitedly that I’d finally talked to him

*

How shy Nathan and he seemed as they approached my table and Nick said

“That’s the girl I told you about”.

How Nathan hardly spoke at first, and it was mostly just Nick and I talking

How a couple of weeks later, they mentioned Nathan’s sister, who had a crush on Nick for the longest time and how I looked down, then, knowing exactly how she felt, wondering if Nick was wondering whether I had a crush on him too.

*

Sitting outside, by the cafeteria, writing long, long poems about the torment of not knowing, and how confused I was later, when he offered me a banana and how I thought

“Does he like me?

Why are you giving me hope?”

*

II.

So many things I must have forgotten, but that you must remember, Nick.

Did I forget anything?

*

How I went to the restroom before trying to get onto the rooftop again, how it was awkward for a minute as I went back out, the fact that I was with you hitting me all over again before we settled ourselves back into the comfortable conversation

*

The first lunch I had with you guys, or maybe a subsequent one, when we went around the nursing buildings, walking, how my sweater dropped from my bag and a student behind told me and I picked it up, embarrassed, and how you noticed how pretty the flowers were, how I liked that you weren’t so insecure about your masculinity that you’d stop yourself from complementing flowers

*

How you mentioned skateboarding when you noticed ramps along the stairs

*

How it was all brand new and I was shy, how I didn’t know how to stitch myself into this skin, how loose the skin felt in some places yet so tight in others

*

How you were still a mystery, an ideal, an idea at first

How you became real on the third day

*

How we got along so well, and things escalated so, so quickly, do you have any idea?

Why would you want to give any of that up?

*

The conversation in Julia’s office, you joking, pretending to be angry because you’d forgotten to email your essay to yourself, how you said

“This is my angry face, do I not look angry to you?”

How Nathan replied

“Dude, you’re smiling, I never see you smiling”

How happy I was that I was making you just a bit happier

*

On another day, back behind campus, near the baseball fields, when you flipped knives and I leant you my blue H sweater to keep you warm, how you said normally dudes lend clothes to girls, how I threw off your concerns: you were cold and I wasn’t, and I didn’t mind (and how the sweater smelled of you afterwards)

*

How I’d wear that green plaid shirt of yours when I’d hang out at your place, how it must have kept my scent for a while

*

How whenever I’d look at my phone, I’d have a message from you

*

How whenever we’d go into Julia’s office, you’d always happen to stare at me

*

All the memories we had

This is why I wanted to stay friends longer,

So I’d never have to say goodbye

*

December 8th 2015

(18:15)

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7 Comments Add yours

  1. Ryan Stone says:

    Wow! That’s a really powerful piece. I couldn’t stop reading.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you so much! I wasn’t sure whether or not it counted as a poem, but thanks for enjoying nonetheless!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Nicodemas says:

    SOOO amazing! I love this. Wonderful emotions.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. THANK YOU! ❤ 😀 Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. a mystery says:

    Ahh what a journey through time and emotions and love. You’ve blown me away again. So much beauty.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you so so so so much! It wasn’t even really meant to be a poem, just stuff I wrote down that I didn’t want to forget, so wasn’t sure how people would react.

    Like

  7. a mystery says:

    Yeah! I really love those kinds of things because it’s very stream of consciousness which makes it more raw. You still write it so poetically though!

    Liked by 1 person

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