Totem (7)

on

For a second, all I can do is stare. The gunshot ricochets and then echoes in my brain as it strains to grasp the events that just occured.

And then

Everything.

Just.

Stops.

My entire body freezes, my eyes locked on the floor where Ed’s body lays crumpled. In some distant corner of my mind, I notice the rapid change in the atmosphere: everyone rushes in at the commotion, the noise rises to the level of shouts, some anxious, some angry. But my mind can’t concentrate on any of it. All I can see is Ed on the floor, all I can hear is the sound of his death. But my mind makes nothing of it. I am not capable of making anything of it. My mind thinks.

No.

No.

No.

My heart beats ceaselessly against my chest and covers all else. Whispers of comprehension slip through my body’s control, I force them back as viciously as I can.

No.

This is not possible.

No.

It can’t be.

It CAN’T be.

NO.

The trembling in my knees and arms spreads to my chest and quickly, all of me is shaking. My heart burns. I push the realisation back. My lips tremble. I push the thought back. My eyes stay dry, still too shocked; at least they have some self-control. All is cloudy in my mind, thick vapors that cover everything like a blanquet.

I.

Can’t.

Think.

I.

Can’t.

Breathe.

18/03/15

10:20

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