A silent observer

And I knew that that’s what would destroy me in the end:

You thought I meant you would destroy me, your presence

When you were wrong, you misunderstood

It was your absence I was referring to

All along

I told you

 I knew we would destroy each other

But I didn’t mean that your character, your personality, who you are and what you do would destroy me

I meant that the only thing you could do that would pain me at all

Was if you chose to leave

(Which you did)

*

And when I stop, for even a second,

And think it through

I realise that you have every reason to come back

That everything should push you back into my arms, towards my lips

But when I slip back into my body

Into here and now

I can’t see how that will ever happen

All I can see is that you left,

That you didn’t try to reassure me that you’d be back, that you wanted me in the first place,

That you wanted me to wait

*

Perhaps you thought it would be less of a burden, that you were being kind to leave me the possibility to leave

But don’t you know?

I told you I’m used to people leaving,

So when they don’t fight for me

I do the simple thing, the easy thing;

If I don’t believe they want me there beside them

I refuse to push, to apply pressure, I refuse to be a negative influence in their life,

If I believe they don’t want me

(No matter how much I want them)

I stay away

Watching from the side-lines as their life continues on without me,

A spectator,

A fool,

A silent, pained observer for whom life will never be the same.

24/11/15

(19:14)

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