And for a second, for a wonderful minute,
I realise I don’t regret any of it.
Me, who always regrets all her decisions as soon as she makes them,
I don’t regret any of it.
Sure, there was some ugly stuff there, but in the end,
There was beauty to that.
I lived as an individual
I never pretended to be anyone I wasn’t
Sure, I wasn’t your typical cool
But I was beautiful
In my own way
And no one ever said differently
I lived my life the way I wanted to live it and I don’t regret any of it
I stuck with the people who accepted who I was
and who knew the real me
Even though I tried to hang out with the cooler crowd,
they were never my home
So my life was beautiful and sublime the way anyone wishes their life could be,
And I love it
Saying the word “love”?
But I do
I didn’t at the time,
I wanted to be everything I wasn’t
But I didn’t give in to that
I stayed true
I stayed me
Ugly and warped and smiling with too much teeth and too much cheek
What could I have asked more?
I didn’t know what to ask
But I got all of what I could have asked for
The “immonde”, the sorrowful, the painful, the beautiful
Isn’t there beauty to ugliness?
Isn’t there beauty in pain?
Isn’t there beauty in clutching your ribs and sobbing your throat and chest out
beacuse you’ve loved and lost the people who mattered the most?
Isn’t there beauty to being you no matter what others think?
Isn’t there beauty in being yourself?
Isn’t there beauty in too much sunshine and too many smiles and laughing for the sake of it,
and simply because it feels good,
no matter if others think you smile too much and laugh too much?
Because, in the end, if it seems like I’m trying too hard to be happy,
Without actually having to try at all,
Isn’t that the most anyone could ask for?
So fuck being cool, fuck wearing black
If I’m happy in sundresses and sunshine and laughter and smiles and meeting people too quickly
and falling into friendship too quickly and falling just because that’s what life does to you.
And in the end, if that’s what my life is,
Knowing what my life was,
How can I regret any of it?
I’ve lived it the way I saw fit.
I wouldn’t change it, if I could
From now on, all I can hope is that I do the same
Regardless of what others think
Right now, I’m just thankful and so, so grateful that I’ve got a life to live at all
Some 60 odd years of potential happiness
I’ve just got to reach for it
And God, has it been one hell of a ride
October 21st 2015 (20:47)