Being me, simply

on

And for a second, for a wonderful minute,

I realise I don’t regret any of it.

Me, who always regrets all her decisions as soon as she makes them,

Looking back,

I don’t regret any of it.

Sure, there was some ugly stuff there, but in the end,

There was beauty to that.

I lived as an individual

I never pretended to be anyone I wasn’t

Sure, I wasn’t your typical cool

But I was beautiful

In my own way

And no one ever said differently

I lived my life the way I wanted to live it and I don’t regret any of it

I stuck with the people who accepted who I was

and who knew the real me

Even though I tried to hang out with the cooler crowd,

 they were never my home

*

So my life was beautiful and sublime the way anyone wishes their life could be,

Looking back.

And I love it

Me?

Saying the word “love”?

But I do

I didn’t at the time,

I wanted to be everything I wasn’t

But I didn’t give in to that

I stayed true

I stayed me

Ugly and warped and smiling with too much teeth and too much cheek

What could I have asked more?

I didn’t know what to ask

But I got all of what I could have asked for

The “immonde”, the sorrowful, the painful, the beautiful

Isn’t there beauty to ugliness?

Isn’t there beauty in pain?

Isn’t there beauty in clutching your ribs and sobbing your throat and chest out

beacuse you’ve loved and lost the people who mattered the most?

Isn’t there beauty to being you no matter what others think?

Isn’t there beauty in being yourself?

Isn’t there beauty in too much sunshine and too many smiles and laughing for the sake of it,

and simply because it feels good,

no matter if others think you smile too much and laugh too much?

Because, in the end, if it seems like I’m trying too hard to be happy,

Without actually having to try at all,

Isn’t that the most anyone could ask for?

*

So fuck being cool, fuck wearing black

If I’m happy in sundresses and sunshine and laughter and smiles and meeting people too quickly

and falling into friendship too quickly and falling just because that’s what life does to you.

*

And in the end, if that’s what my life is,

Knowing what my life was,

How can I regret any of it?

I’ve lived it the way I saw fit.

I wouldn’t change it, if I could

*

From now on, all I can hope is that I do the same

Regardless of what others think

Right now, I’m just thankful and so, so grateful that I’ve got a life to live at all

Some 60 odd years of potential happiness

I’ve just got to reach for it

And God, has it been one hell of a ride

October 21st 2015 (20:47)

Advertisements

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Gwenice Gwee says:

    Beautiful and so true. I agree, we should love ourselves for who we are and just be ourselves.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s difficult to remember who we are, at times, and difficult to be that person even when we know who we are, but it’s so sad being forced to pretend to be somebody else.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s