I feel like I’m going crazy
But I just haven’t found a way to get you out of my mind yet.
Believe me, I’ve tried all I could think of.
But nothing seems to be enough.
You still find a way to claw through the trapdoor and
Crawl your way through my airways
and through my veins.
I feel you reach my heart and at once,
it feels so heavy.
And when I finally see you after only hours or days of distance,
my stomach loses it,
and drops through the floor,
through the cold, hard pavement and into the soft earth below.
My heart sprints and spins just at the thought of you
and the only remedy is your presence
How am I to know if I should wish you out or welcome this pain?
How should I know what you feel back?
How should I know who occupies your thoughts?
(Whoever she is, I’m already jealous just at the thought of her,
wishing I could be that person that you can’t get out of your head.
While at the same time happy that you’re happy
(Are you? Really? Tell me the truth.))
How am I to know if we would be good for each other,
if by some miracle you felt anything back and were of a mind to act upon it?
How am I to know that you could make me happy?
(And I, you, of course)
But I’d like to find out, just one chance.
One chance to turn my life upside down
If only for one second.
One chance to redefine the world around me
See it differently
Believe in something more.
I’d like to see what you see,
Feel what you feel,
Know how you see the world.
And if you hate it, all of it,
the circumference over,
If you’re certain that no dark corner has been left unexplored in your mind
and that you know for a fact that all is hideous,
then give me a chance to right it for you.
Like you right it for me, if only a little bit,
With your presence.
(“We should see each other more often,” says my heart
“He needs some space. You need some space. Please don’t fall,” says my head)
But if I’m not right for you,
if I never could be,
if you don’t even want to give it a try
then I would try to understand…
It’s just that when we talk, we talk of everything, everyone, all we’ve ever thought,even the craziest concepts and strangest thoughts that
run through our minds (especially those).
And I don’t want to let that go.
It’s just that when I’m with you, my body is finally at peace, my heart stops spasming (it’s like an electrified tarantula, I swear,
it’s crazy), and I feel good.
You know it, boy,
I’m falling hard.
No, it’s ok,
don’t pick me up.
Do it only if you mean it,
there’s no need to be kind to me if you don’t.
I’ll pick myself up.
Gather the pieces of my heart that bleed for you.
Mold my organs and muscles and skin and sinew back together,
All the pieces of me that scream and beg for you to love them.
All those pieces of me hoping, dreaming for the missing ones to complete the puzzle.
So will you give me a chance?
Do you want to?
Is there even an infinitesimal, microscopic piece of you that wonders what could happen?
Do you even look at me?
What do you think when you do?
Do you wonder what I’m thinking when you do look?
(When I’m staring at your lips, the answer is obvious, and even when I’m not, I’m thinking of you).
Do you think about me, ever?
(God, you better not be reading this, boy,
You are in such fucking humongous trouble if you read this without my having shown it to you).
But you did stare…
Before I even said hello,
Before I knew your name and before you knew mine…
You did stare, even though you were already a complete puzzle
and had no need to rake the ground for missing pieces.
So, why did you?
Why do you?
(If you do, I dunno, I can’t look you in the eyes, remember?)
What were you thinking?
What were you feeling?
What was going through your mind?
I feel like I’m going crazy,
Call me a doctor.
Is this what people feel when they stare at me?
(Yes, I do notice it when people do, even though I pretend I don’t)
All over, I can feel the stares on me,
and sometimes I notice and look back,
But when I looked at you,
I swear I felt something.
It felt insane.
It’s like my body knew what it would come to feel when I got to know you a little better
(If this works out, I might come to feel a lot more).
Do you wanna know what I thought,
When I first saw you,
and all the times after that,
before running up to you in the hallway,
and eyes blazing?
“This boy could absolutely destroy me.
We could annihilate each other in the most painful and beautiful way.
This boy would break my heart and I would let him.
And I would savour every second of it”.
But tell me, I need to know:
What were you thinking?
21 October (17:40)