I want to remember that I am first and foremost their daughter. I belong to them and myself, and no one else. I decide who lays claim. No matter who’s body this is, whether it belongs to my parents, or me, or any lover who stakes claim, my mind and soul will always be theirs. This much time having past since I’ve last been in contact with them, and my heart still not being my own, I am forced to acknowledge that perhaps I will always be linked to them, that their ghosts will always trail me like my own shadow. No matter who I become or what takes place from here on out, my character will always snap back to the shape it once held. I am forever pulled to whom I once was; I can only temporarily fool myself into thinking I am someone else.
What an epiphany to rise from a simple ‘Letter for elise’ music box. I want to get one, one day, and one for Chopin’s ‘Waltz in C-sharp minor’. A piano. A white bedroom. White dresses and a rosegarden. Long hair and no scars. Perhaps a little sunshine too. It scares me how all of my memories are erased, save for the ones I have of them, of course. It all washes of me and I have no control over the tide. I can blank at any moment , in whatever situation. It doesn’t bother me too much at the moment that my bad memories are deleted. But if I ever have nice ones I wish to remember, will I be able to? Memories of people blowing giant bubbles in the park or flowers falling off trees; people smiling. If my heart were ever to soften at someone other than them, I might want to cherish the memory of that person. But those feel like distant, impossible wishes; mere mist that’ll never become clear.